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Knowing Oneself Isn't For Sissy's
Rev. Masao Kodani, in his article entitled, “Seeing is Letting Go of Believing” that appeared in Prajna, June 2002, wrote:
“The two aspects of awakening in Jodoshinshu are seeing oneself for what we are and, at the same time, being swept up by the true and real. The process of knowing the self is a long, uneasy, ever-deepening, humiliating experience. It is an experience that, when seen from an ego-based point of view, leads to depression and negativity, followed by a rationalization process which attributes the cause to others and outside influences and circumstances. Throughout this process the ego, unbeknownst to us, remains in charge and creates a truth and reality that affirms and bolsters itself. This of course does not lead to being swept up by the true and real.” [emphasis added]
These comments speak a deep truth to me in my search for awakening. Knowing myself is merely one of the very first steps in embracing the Nembutsu. And it is a humiliating process. I resist the truth of what I am by a variety of (subconscious) rationalizations. I try to maintain what we used to call in the 1960’s, our “Look Good.” How do others see me? There’s no doubt that I want them to see me at my best. Well, “No,” not just my best. Better than my best; beyond “better”. When I encounter others with whom I am not intimate, I can fool myself and most often also fool others by acting (and that IS the right word: Acting) with the right thoughts, the right view, the right way, so that others come to believe that I’ve really got a handle on what I am. “What a great guy!” is what I’d like them to believe. Yet, such “self power” efforts to achieve respect and dignity are intrinsically self-defeating because they are not authentic.
I find that the best way for me to continue my path to knowing what I am is not from the accolades I may receive from others at work, at our Temple, or even from friends with whom I’ve established long term relationships, but rather, from those few people who really know what I am: My wife, and my most intimate friends. I may be able to fool others, but not the lady I live with. And if it’s truth and awakening I’m really looking for, examining my behavior in relation to her is often the best measure of what I truly am.
I’ve belonged to a “Men’s Group” for close to 15 years which has itself been meeting continuously for more than 30 years. We meet every other Thursday night, and twice each year we go out of town for an extended weekend. We talk! That’s it. Just Talk. Mostly, we vigorously engage in trying to help each other to see ourselves for what we truly are, without judgment. Extracting each others emotional teeth, one by one, year after year, is difficult and humbling. But it’s the only path I know to help me to see what I am and how I’ve changed, if at all. There’s no Bull in these discussions, and sometimes, some real lessons to learn IF my ego will allow me to hear what’s being said.
In my search for awakening, and seeing myself for what I am as a
step towards embracing life’s truths (the “true and real”), I have tried to apply and understand the abstractions that I’ve encountered in the Dharma to my day to day experiences. This isn’t easy. How do I learn to apply and use the beauty of Buddhism in my everyday life? My greatest difficulty in awakening to Buddhist concepts is in my efforts to forge a connection between the abstractions (for example, Self Power versus Other Power, or trying to live the unity of the Nembutsu and the momentary experiences of Shinjin that some have experienced and written about) and understanding how they play out for me each day. When I try to focus on my own behavior and the manner in which I am a substantial contributor to difficulties I may encounter, then I have the opportunity, if I consciously choose to accept it, to learn about myself in real Buddhist terms. If I can’t relate the lessons of a Dharma talk to my own life experiences, then I haven’t understood the lesson. My wife, for example, has little difficulty separating the proverbial wheat from the chaff. And her input often tells me far more about how little I’ve progressed in my search for awakening than the carefully chosen comments of my friends. Don’t get me wrong. I love and encourage positive comments about my behavior; I like being told I’ve done something well. But I’m talking here about true awakening, and sometimes, for me, when I am willing to really listen, it’s helpful to hear the truth.
When I argue with my wife I all to often have the same silent
dialogue with myself: “It’s her fault!.” “If only she was more reasonable, more compassionate, more understanding of my… (read that as the correct...) point of view, she’d openly admit I was right.” “How can she be so foolish not to know such things.” And delving even deeper into a most unflattering admission, I (my ego) know she’s wrong and misguided. I know it! Yet my truth is that I am never free of fault in disputes I have with my wife or my friends although my ego seldom permits me to admit that even to myself, let alone to them. And if I can’t learn to awaken in my most intimate relationships, then I believe I will fail to do so in the other, easier, and more casual relationships in my life. It’s so much easier for me to blame all my shortcomings on others.
I’m not talking about the cliché that “everything is a two way street.” While true, it remains too superficial and to easy to be truly helpful in arriving at “Jin Nen”--------at being unconsciously authentic------at reaching that unity of compassion and wisdom I’ve read about with such interest. Only when I begin with the knowledge that I am the source of the suffering my ego imagines comes only from the short-sightedness of my wife, or my friends, am I ready to start, reluctantly, to know myself. And of course, those momentary first steps are repeated over and over again during the course of my life. The search never ends. The journey IS, as so many have said before me, what it’s all about, not the finish line. Because slowly, very slowly, I try to accept and hear the truth-----------that I am my wife, and my wife is me---------and we are all one. As Rev. Kodani says at the end of his article: “We become the vibrantly living paradox of hopelessly self-centered and at the same time swept up in the truth and beauty of lifedeath, Namoamidabutsu.
Gassho,
Rick Stambul
© 2009 West Los Angeles Buddhist Temple Online
